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Re: Critique Request: Prank Gone Bad
« Reply #1 on: Jun 14th, 2016, 01:03am »
(Bit of a hastily thrown together review, but you guys have waited too long for this, so...)
The story of Prank Gone Bad follows Enna, a jungle girl in her efforts to survive her meeting with Kaa. The crafty python moves into her territory sizing her up as prey. All the while, Enna decides to prank the python she thinks is an average snake. She comes to find that Kaa is much more than he appears to be.
After encountering the python and falling victim to his trance, her little prank actually saves her. Enna taunts Kaa before leaving him only to once more meet him where she is coerced into accepting a game of survival against Kaa. A game where she must survive a week, or end up as snake-chow.
Over the course of a couple of days, a serious game between the two ensues (a LITERAL dice game) to determine Enna's fate. After a while, Enna's best efforts aren't enough. She ends up in Kaa's clutches and at his hungry mercy.
All right, so I thought that the RP itself was rather...interesting, but it had it's issues... Before I cover some of the more glaring things I noticed, I want to talk about the story's novelty and structure.
This RP was pretty easy for me to read and follow for the most part. Both Rag and MrGrim made their posts well. There were a few grammatical errors at times, but nothing that hindered my reading experience. The issues came more from MrGrim than from Rag. Something you might need to watch and work on a bit overtime.
As far as the structure of the story itself goes, your posts were as I said easy to follow and read. There were times though that I felt both of you could have put a little bit more meat in the form of detail into your writing. Again, nothing glaring, but a minor nitpick from me.
One thing that I am iffy about is some of the sequences that came BEFORE the game started. Rag painted a picture of this fairly spunky, experienced jungle girl who knew her stuff. I got that perception first introducing her. Yet, when she first meets Kaa, I see some minor contradictions in her character. Specifically, Enna KNEW about Kaa's hypnosis before it even started. Yet, this spunky girl I saw passively accepted it without a second thought... The events that follow after this meeting are fine and easy to accept with less character contradiction. I just felt this was one glaring issue for me as a reader.
On MrGrim's character, I thought that he played a very solid Kaa. He made the character quite believable, but there were also some similar inconsistencies with the character I noticed. Specifically, I found it a bit odd that Kaa, who is blinded by rage after the first prank would be so willing to put his revenge on hold to watch Enna belly dance her way out of his coils. Not that this isn't in Kaa's character, but the scenes leading up to that had me thinking Kaa was bloodthirsty and not about to take anymore chances, yet did... Character inconsistencies were my biggest beef with this particular story in terms of writing.
Onto the game aspect of your story... I really do like how you guys turned a Kaa encounter into a game! That was a VERY creative thing to do, and it was fun wondering what twists and turns were going to happen throughout the story. With that said, as a reader, I couldn't quite follow what game you guys were playing with the dice. Was it a scoring game? Did an even or odd number determine specific events? I was never able to fully grasp how this game behind the scenes was played and it proved to be a bit of a distraction to my reading experience trying to figure it out.
I applaud you guys for coming up with a very original idea. Next time though, maybe post how the numbers affect the situation so it's easier for the reader to follow. To loosely paraphrase President Snow to Plutarch in the Hunger Games, whatever game you guys are playing, we aren't necessarily playing it with you.
Aside from that, I really didn't have any real issues with the story. Mr Grim needs to work on his grammatical skills a tad, both him and Rag need to watch out for character trait inconsistencies, and be sure to define your game so the reader can follow. It was otherwise an interesting story featuring a game I'd also like to try myself at one point. ^^
Verdict: Unique Read
The role play itself is an interesting read featuring a game style story readers may enjoy. It is a story that focuses pretty intensely on vore with three separate occasions of Kaa trying to devour the protagonist. The game of survival though and it's interesting twists and turns make for a fun reading experience.