Board Logo
« Critique request: A dream, and yet, not a dream. »

Welcome Guest. Please Login or Register.
Jan 23rd, 2018, 08:30am



« Previous Topic | Next Topic »
Pages: 1  Notify Send Topic Print
 thread  Author  Topic: Critique request: A dream, and yet, not a dream.  (Read 470 times)
Thebigsqueeze
God
ImageImageImageImageImage


member is offline

Avatar

"Living a strong life means being able to smile."


Homepage PM

Gender: Male
Posts: 2929
xx Critique request: A dream, and yet, not a dream.
« Thread started on: Apr 15th, 2016, 2:28pm »


RP REQUEST FORM

Roleplay Title: A dream, and yet, not a dream.

Link to roleplay: http://kainakaa.conforums.com/index.cgi?board=nohypno&action=display&num=1434788845

Roleplay partner(s): NineTails927, TheBigSqueeze

Requested critic:

Other comments:
User IP Logged

•no hypnosis until later on in the story.I feel like its cheating.tongue
•I only do romances between M/F F/F and I play either.
Also, if anyone is willing, I'm looking for someone to draw my OC.
Cydonia921
Global Moderator
ImageImageImageImageImage


member is offline

Avatar

The purpose of life is your own choosing.


Homepage PM

Gender: Male
Posts: 7483
xx Re: Critique request: A dream, and yet, not a drea
« Reply #1 on: Apr 17th, 2016, 7:35pm »

This is Part 1 of 2 of the Critique.

---

Disclaimer: This critique will primarily focus on the roleplay’s characters and story. Mechanics such as grammar, sentence structure, diction, and pacing will be omitted from this review due to the lack of attention placed in the story; grammatical errors are prevalent within many posts, sentence structure and diction remains consistently basic, and the pacing is not given care during the progression of the story.

‘A dream, and yet, not a dream’ starts out with the introduction of the two main characters, each one captained by the individual writers. The first, Lucifer, is introduced with a very brief sob story pegged as his entire backstory: he had to go through a lung transplant for survival, but even though the operation was a success, he still suffers coughing fits as the vestige of the operation. For some reason, he stands at a cliff face, where the writers decide to send him to meet the his destined partner, Melanie, by the sheer freak accident of having the edge of the cliff collapse under Lucifer without warning.

Speaking of Melanie, our rather (literally) colorful mermaid, she herself was also around right under the same cliff for no distinguishable reason save for the fact that the roleplayers required it. Lucifer falls near her, both injured by the debris, and both fall unconscious, Lucifer obviously from having slammed into a few rocks from a long distance above, the other because she couldn’t stand the sight of blood, as both had opened wounds.

Despite this, neither dies. Lucifer wakes up to the mermaid’s company, deciding to go drag her back into his own house and setting her into the most fitting location he could think of for a mermaid. Melanie would later wake up to a mysterious location described as having ‘flat surfaces all around [... looking] like a big bowl,’ the two apparently resting inside. This is a reasonable and decently-portrayed viewpoint from the mermaid, as she was actually laying down together on a large tub, the non-human having never seen one before.

Amidst in her confusion, they startle one another before eventually concluding that now was the best time for idle talk, introducing each other down in the tub and sharing stories, where we hear more about Lucifer’s story of being born with a bad lung. The premise of the meeting establishes that Melanie is a modern Little Mermaid, now on the land and seeing the foreign experiences that would be a human and the various household things and furniture associated with their lives.

As dictated by the need for romance, as Lucifer decides to take care of Melanie in his summer house, he finds her attractive, their relationship starting out almost perfectly from the get-go. This is obviously apparent in the roleplayer’s intentions, where Lucifer wonders if this was the ‘turning point in his life’. Awkward as the teenager was, it would take until the second day before he’s finally stuttering in his speech and trying to hide his blushing face, Melanie being absolutely oblvious to any of this at the moment.

What’s so amazingly ironic about all of this is that Melanie asks her host why his face is so red when she herself had been blushing both in the prior day and immediately after she asks the question. We can conclude that mermaids did not possess mirrors in their world or do not have their faces redden when they blush.

This relationship is ‘advanced’ further by a washing scene where Lucifer starts to clean her from the top down. None of this is gets any less creepy when Lucifer informs mermaid that this act will make her “both feel and look much better, maybe more so than [she was] now.” Any indication this was going to get intimate gets temporarily subverted as Melanie comments how it all tickles and how shampoo made her hair feel nice.

And then we get to the rest of the body. This is where Lucifer attempts to back out and just offers the bathing scrunchy to the mermaid and instructs her in how to bathe the rest. Of course, Lucifer can’t just get away from this fanservice, as the tail scales are not compatible with the scrunchy. So the human has to get back to it towards her lower body, where they both enjoy up profusely blushing for a few consecutive posts.

Having gotten that out of the way, all of this will be moderately undone by having Lucifer taking her outside of the house to the pool. Having a bit of quality time, Lucifer quickly snaps back to reality as he realizes there were plans for his grandparents to come over in a few days. But that was clearly okay for now as he gets convinced to get into the pool and have - guess what - a tickle fight with each other! They, in their fun, would conclude with a deep moment between each other, both believing that each other were truly fated to meet and be together. The next scenes goes on to serve no purpose aside from reinforcing this single existent theme, personal conversations and innocent fun in the pool to make even Melanie consider Lucifer ‘a romantic love interest’. At this point, Lucifer could have just put a ring on it and this would have been a full roleplay, case closed.

But no, because grandparents. Having found that he missed a call from them, he goes to reach back, but it was too late, as they already showed up at the door after not hearing from him. They had to oversee his recovery, after all, and living with him in a giant house and twenty-feet deep pool would be such an absurd concept. The grandparents seem to chastise him over being him, the grandfather - in a moment of dramatic irony - tells Lucifer that he could have “[went] out, walk around make friends, go swimming, [and] meet a girl.” It would have been mildly amusing if it weren’t for the fact that the roleplayer went out on his way to explicitly say that the grandfather “had just listed off basically exactly what [Lucifer] had done.”

They tried to figure out what he’s been up to, but he deflects this, bids them off after a round of dinner, and the whole problem essentially evaporates with almost no tension. With that resolved anticlimactically, they went on to go stargazing for one more bonding moment.

So for the second attempt to tests the bonds between the two happened on the next morning, when a trespasser comes in. This lawbreaker, Tom Deeds, gets quickly intercepted by Lucifer before he discovers Melanie. The former ‘closest friend’ is introduced as a deserter, having left Lucifer only because he had a collapsed lung. Obviously, that just gives more reason for Melanie to reveal herself from the pool, leaving Tom to inquire if she’s the teen’s girlfriend.

Oh, why was he even infringing on Lucifer’s property? The mermaid-lover neglected his XBox for a few days, and gamers have to stick together. This conversation gets interrupted as Melanie couldn’t help but reveal her tail, Tom noticing and fainting from shock.
User IP Logged

Rules

1. I rarely do Kaa RPs, unless I'm in the mood. I prefer Pokemon or lamia RPs.
2. I will do vore.
3. I'm fine with M/F; F/F; M/M.
4. Always up for interesting and unique ideas!
Cydonia921
Global Moderator
ImageImageImageImageImage


member is offline

Avatar

The purpose of life is your own choosing.


Homepage PM

Gender: Male
Posts: 7483
xx Re: Critique request: A dream, and yet, not a drea
« Reply #2 on: Apr 17th, 2016, 7:36pm »

This is Part 2 of 2.

---

Lucifer would end up contemplating killing his fellow gamer to hide the only witness for Melanie’s existence, but since he wasn’t sure that he could do it without covering his tracks, he decides against it. Instead, they just wake Tom up again, and the only blackmail they could think of would be some prom pictures that could be let loose to the internet, because revealing the discovery of a mermaid is definitely not worth having that happen.

Yes, this is another potentially tense issue that could blow over Lucifer’s secret, dealt with instantly. This resolution is arguably worse, as now they go play as a happy group of three. Or not, because more melodrama must be created! This time, Lucifer’s wounds reopen, especially with the ones related to his lung surgery cuts. Quickly administered first aid from Tom, Lucifer realizes that he could no longer cook for and swim with Melanie for a while as he has to go to the hospital for the stitches to be redone.

He leaves her in Tom’s care, as if that was going to be an obviously good choice. When he comes back after getting his chest fixed up, he finds that Tom forgot to feed Melanie at one point and he gets kicked out of Lucifer’s house. Forget the house, he was evicted from the roleplay from that point on, never to be heard from again. As to why Tom neglects to pay attention to her, there is no reason given. He’s just left to be a dastardly villain and then is thrown out of the story. This roleplay continues to show just how poorly actual problems are introduced because they’re either hand-waved away or ignored.

This glaring issue of the ridiculous amounts of plot armor basically gets flaunted to the reader. Lucifer realizes he’s low on food, and thus he has to go to town to make some purchases. Melanie is apparently unable to take care of herself for a few hours - so it is assumed to the time needed for a grocery visit - and therefore, he must find a way to take a mermaid along with him into a crowd of humans. However, this left the problem of Melanie being discovered, and their solution - after some decent amount of thinking - involves hiding the tail with a dress. Being as they don’t have the money for it, Lucifer convinces his grandmother to get any arbitrary one without seeing Melanie. Of course, they would need Lucifer to do yet more cooking as he gets the dress and puts it on her. Cue yet more generic ‘Melanie is beautiful and Lucifer just blushes over that’.

He drives her to the promised town, getting her on a wheelchair and strolling her through the place. They get stopped by a nosy young miss, who eventually gets shooed for making such private questions out of the blue. When she informs Lucifer that she’s eighteen, Lucifer mutters to himself that “Kids these days are getting hipper by the day,” entirely inconsistent with the fact that Lucifer is not going to be eighteen himself for a few more months. This is not a small detail; it’s pointed out in the very first post.

This young woman named June sticks around despite initial meetings, and they proceed to do some essential shopping. June is internally nicknamed as ‘Sherlock’ for being nosy and being analytical, a combination that one would expect to be red flags and a way to get her to leave with more effort. No, no, Lucifer agrees to even let her tag along and stay over at his place for the night. The reason is that they’re willing to trust her from the minutes of their interaction. Again, total plot armor between Lucifer and Melanie, so there’s no expectations that this decision could possibly bite them in return.

June expresses shock and excitement as she was provided the secret, and goes on to actually help them out, having the privilege of staying in the same house as a mermaid. The happy group of three get to spend the night in fun as we return from a false problem back into the second generic form of the roleplay: more relationship building. It even degrades to a moment of french kissing, June given the liberty to take pictures of them in the midst of this, as if such acts are totally something a good friend should do.

Surely, one could wonder if this roleplay would ever get anywhere. The roleplayers must have thought so too, as they finally brought in a merman, on the mission to retrieve Melanie. This Merman goes by the name Roman, who - after seeing Lucifer defy him - returns to the ocean with a vague threat. After some more bonding time (this also including yet more touching and making out), the roleplayers remembered they had a real issue to deal with, dragging back the thoughts of Roman and then revealing that Melanie was a princess, of all things, as if it could possibly raise the stakes. The problem with this is that one could not be really invested into this character that such a reveal has no impact whatsoever.

How the actual disaster with what Roman decides to do to get back and Lucifer and what happened afterwards is left to be concealed, but it should be said that the roleplay sticks true to its theme of ‘the two were meant to be together’. Throughout the entire roleplay, problem after problem is swatted away as fast as instant noodles are cooked. Even their last chance to make it seem as if they could be set apart and separated was only barely better than the previous efforts, and while the roleplayers likely felt that the climax was emotional, it was too little too late for the reader to enjoy the ending.

Verdict: Not recommended for reading.
User IP Logged

Rules

1. I rarely do Kaa RPs, unless I'm in the mood. I prefer Pokemon or lamia RPs.
2. I will do vore.
3. I'm fine with M/F; F/F; M/M.
4. Always up for interesting and unique ideas!
Thebigsqueeze
God
ImageImageImageImageImage


member is offline

Avatar

"Living a strong life means being able to smile."


Homepage PM

Gender: Male
Posts: 2929
xx Re: Critique request: A dream, and yet, not a drea
« Reply #3 on: Apr 17th, 2016, 10:52pm »

I would just like to thank cydonia921 for taking the time to read and critique our role play. After reading the feedback, I feel that I do have some certain aspects of role playing I may need to address, and will strive to improve these from this point on. smiley
User IP Logged

•no hypnosis until later on in the story.I feel like its cheating.tongue
•I only do romances between M/F F/F and I play either.
Also, if anyone is willing, I'm looking for someone to draw my OC.
Pages: 1  Notify Send Topic Print
« Previous Topic | Next Topic »

Donate $6.99 for 50,000 Ad-Free Pageviews!

| |

This forum powered for FREE by Conforums ©
Sign up for your own Free Message Board today!
Terms of Service | Privacy Policy | Conforums Support | Parental Controls